Strength

I've been here for six days and I feel as though nothing has changed.  I went on a retreat for my scholars group and as we were riding the bus home, they had us write a letter to ourselves which we would open about nine months from now.  My letter is as follows:

Dear Austin,
        Right now you are getting done with the PCS (President's Community Scholars) retreat and you don't know how to feel.  You're a little apprehensive about being a part of this group because you feel odd regarding the administration side of volunteering and service.  You're not sure if you'll be at OU next year or even next semester.   You feel like you don't know where to fit in.  Right at this given moment, your home is in Iowa and that's where you want to be.  Everyone says their friends from high school never last, but those are the people you want to be with right now.  They are the people you want to keep forever.  You've met many great individuals thus far but nobody compares to those friends you have back home.

        Sincerely,
                Austin J. Witt


You know, I've never had any troubles making friends before.  Though I've always been uncomfortable in large groups, small groups are fine for me.  This is different though. . . this is not something I think I am ready for, meaning the large masses of people.  I'm definitely ready for college and everything that college has to offer.  I don't like being somewhere where I know absolutely nobody.  Maybe it's just an adjustment that I'm going to have to overcome, but I feel like it's not.  I keep saying my home is in Iowa and I keep finding that to be true.  Everyone always says you have to overstep your comfort zone and I completely agree with that.  Unfortunately this situation has pushed me off the cliff of my comfort zone.

Tonight I went to a social gathering at one of the main buildings on campus to hopefully find someone whom I could befriend and get to know.  I did make small talk with a few people but it's not like you can say, "Hey! You're by yourself.  I'm by myself.  Let's be friends and go places together so that college won't be awkward for either of us!"  Life just doesn't work like that.

I'm trying to listen to God and see what His will is for me.  I just want to know if I'm going back to Iowa or staying here for the next four years.  He obviously knows where I think my heart is leading me but I have to listen to His plan.  I already know that my desires are going to get in the way but I'll try my best to listen to Him.

As I'm wrapping up my thoughts. . . I'm just really struggling.  When people asked about my college plans and if I was worried, I would always say that it's nothing for me to go so far away.  I'm now realizing that I was wrong.  I hope that once classes start I can get my mind off things and focus on studying.  (Never thought I'd say that!)  I just really want some normalcy back in my life.