Time Limits

As another blogger friend of mine was talking about his issues with his math class, I find it ironic that I'm complaining about my class today too!

We usually take a quiz every week in my trig class and so I knew it was coming today and was, in my mind, pretty well prepared for it.  Our TA always gives us 10 minutes and there's always 5 problems on the quizzes.  Recently we've been covering topics that have problems and equations that sometimes take a while to solve.  On my quiz today I only got 3 of the 5 problems done because of the stupid time limit!  Luckliy I wasn't alone because almost all of the class didn't finish.

AND THEN!!..... This TA had the audacity to tell us, the class, that we were unprepared for the quiz and need to spend more time studying.  EXCUSE ME!!!???  I knew how to do every problem on that quiz but because of your stupid time limit, I couldn't finish!  I hate it when people make assumptions based on random knowledge.  It's like calling individuals horribly mean names when you don't know anything about that person.  NOBODY SHOULD JUDGE ONE ANOTHER!!!!!

Other than that little escapade, today has gone pretty good. :)

Laughter is a wonderful thing!

Everyone does it.  Some days we find ourselves doing it more than other days.  Sometimes we can't even breath because we're doing it so much.  Sometimes we start crying from doing it so much!  What am I talking about?  The wonders of laughter of course!

Since my time here in Oklahoma I've found that I haven't really been laughing that much.  Of course I WANT to laugh, I just haven't found my place or person in which I can laugh and enjoy my time with.  On that note, however, I had supper with my chemistry partner, Rachael, tonight and it was a quite pleasant time.  We laughed and turned supper into a nice hour and a half long conversation about a little of everything.  And guess what..... I genuinly laughed for a good portion of the time spent with her.  I haven't been able to laugh like that since leaving Iowa.  It just makes me so happy to be happy right now!!  I'm happy for a couple of different reasons at this time but there's no need for details.

I'm anxiously awaiting my arrival back to Iowa which is only 24 days, 00 hours, 13 minutes, and 42 seconds from right.........NOW!!!!

Living vs. Surviving

I was talking to a friend of mine (one of the very few) on our way back from a class this morning and we discussed our feelings about college.  We both agreed that college seems to be another institution holding you back from the real world because most people aren't ready for the real world.

I am ready though.  I can't wait to be out in the real world.  I can't wait to make my own money consistently.  I can't wait to pay my own bills.  You heard that right.  I can't wait to pay bills!!  I can't wait to take ownership in the things that I have.  I can't wait to be doing what I want to do.

And then I look at the way I am living right now, and I find that "living" is the wrong word to use.  I'm not living right now here in Oklahoma; merely surviving.  I haven't made great friends or been living the college life, I've just been surviving what I've been thrown into.

And let me tell you; that's a really hard reality to face.  I have good days and bad days, and the bad days just suck even more everytime I have them.  I'm tired of hating my life.  I'm very tired of fighting with myself over the situation that I'm in.

I keep trying to look to see where God is in all of this though.  Was God telling me from the start to not come here and yet I decided to do what I thought I wanted to do instead?  That's a posibility.  Was God leading me down here, even if for just a short time, to do His work?  That's also a possibility.  With all of that in mind though, I'm not enjoying my time at all and I feel that God hears that and will hopefully change something.

I hope everyone is having a fantastic day!

A Whole Entire Year

It's unbelievable.  I can't believe this.........  A year ago today my life changed completely.  Not necessarily on the outside, but inside of me.  September 16, 2013 will always be a special day in my heart.  Let me take you through that day......

It was a completely normal day.  I went to school like any other normal day of the week.  It was about a month into my senior year of high school and things were going pretty good.  I didn't have too many cares in the world and I was okay with that.  I had just gotten back from a weekend mission trip with some lady whom I had just met.  She seemed a little crazy and I can't believe she would ask about my relationship with Jesus.  I would kind of brush it off and not really think about it.  I'm not good enough for God.  I have so many faults and screw-ups in my life there's no way he could love ME.  

My very best friend and I had to go somewhere on the Monday following my getting back from the trip and then we drove around our small little town doing who knows what.  We get back to the high school parking lot and sit there and talk.  We always talk about everything in the book so I didn't really expect anything special out of that night.  Even though that particular night we were talking about God and salvation, it didn't really phase me.  We had talked about it before and nothing had happened so...whatever.  

She tells me over and over again, "no matter what, God loves you.  He loves you through your best and worst times and just wants you to follow Him through life."  I then started feeling a bunch of anxiety in my chest.  I felt like I was having trouble breathing.  What is going on?  She and I kept talking and I started to realize some things.  All Jesus wants is to love me, and for me to love Him.  I am a sinner.  I have faults.  I do wrong lots of times.  Jesus, you still love me through all of that and want me to follow you and join you in heaven when my life ends on this earth.  God, please allow me to follow you and apologize for my sins.  Your love is so great and I just want to love you!

And that's when the flood gates broke open!  My friend and I prayed and I instantly burst into tears.  A wave of something I can't even describe came crashing over me.  I felt super nervous but also an area of peace was in my heart.  God, came into my heart and my life and allowed me to walk with him.  I couldn't even describe the feeling, and still can't to this day!

We decided to call the crazy mission trip lady and tell her the wonderful news.  Though I couldn't even make the phone call because I was such a mess, we called and then went to her house where she opened the door and instantly embraced me in one of the most emotional hugs I've ever felt in my life.  This is such a surreal feeling that I now don't know if I made the right decision! 

One year ago today I had one of the best days in my life.  I definitely wouldn't have changed that day one bit.  For about a month I honestly thought I had made the wrong decision.  I thought, "Well now that the emotional part is over, nothing really changed, I don't feel any different."  I now realize that I was unsure because I wasn't thinking about things with God in mind.  I was only seeing the world through MY eyes, not God's.

Now, it's not to say my life since that day hasn't been super crazy, hectic, and/or ridiculously busy, but I can now be confident with where I stand in my faith walk and where I'm going in life.  I can pray about things I'm struggling with and I know that God will be there to listen to me.  I have SO much confidence in my faith that I just want to spread Jesus' word to everyone!!  I don't care if you're already a Christian or you're an athiest that wants to yell in my face about how much the Chrisitan faith is a bunch of crap, I still want everyone to believe.  I want to see all of my friends in heaven.  If I could ask one thing, it's for people to listen to what Christianity ACTUALLY is, not what the sterotypes are.  Loving God isn't about the rules of Christianity or the do's and don'ts.  It's simply about love.

I love God so much and I just hope that I don't turn people away with the things I'm saying.  I've gained so many wonderful friendships in the past year with my new outlook on life, but I've also ruined a couple.  I just had to open my big mouth when I should have kept it shut.  But I believe the conversations I've had over the past year with these people was meant for something, and I know I can't beat myself up trying to figure it out, so I hope I can have the faith that I need to let some friendships go, as much as it hurts.

(So much for being a simple blog post!)  All in all, it's been a wonderful past year with some amazing people and I can't wait for more years to come!  Praise Jesus and praise him for his salvation!

P.S.  That crazy lady turned out to be not so crazy after all!!! :)

Back and forth.

Why is this such a struggle?  I've been back and forth and back and forth constantly over the past few days.  Going from, "I hate it hear and am definitely moving back to Iowa for second semester" to "it's not too bad here.  I can see myself staying the whole year."  This repetitive situation is really trying on my emotions.

On a side note, I had a really good talk with my chemistry lab partner the other night.  We made small talk while walking back from a test and then deeper converstaion insued.  The last half hour was me explaining what it means to be saved and where I am in my faith.  This girl went to a catholic high school and didn't know what it meant to be saved or give your heart to Christ.  Wait....WHAT?!  Shouldn't that be something you should teach from week 1?  She said her school basically gave them all of the catholic "rules" and didn't really discuss what the entire religion was really about.  I personally think that's a HUGE fault in the catholic school system right there.

All in all, I've been pretty busy and time is actually going by somewhat faster than I originally expected.  T-39 days, 23 hours, 32 minutes, and 14 seconds until I'm home!!  I can't wait to see my friends....

Night all!

Me time.

Alone.  By definition this word means "separated from others."  And that's pretty much how I feel.  I'm separated from the ones I know and love.  I'm separated from those that I have comfort with.  I'm separated from the people whom I like to laugh and have a good time with.  I'm alone.  

Now, "alone time" on the other hand, is something completely different.  I'm really starting to miss my alone time.  Whenever things would get heavy back home, I could always go to the basement of the house and watch TV or surf the internet without anyone bothering me or talking to me.  I love having the time where I can relax and think about things and process through all the worries of the day.  I can't do that here.  I don't have the friends to go out with and talk about things and have intelligent conversation.  I don't have my alone time to just relax and not have to worry about anything.  Now I'm not saying my roommate is a complete loner like me though.  He does leave for things, as do I.  But there's so much going on all the time and so many people, I can't seem to get away from it all.  I can't leave and go anywhere because I have nowhere to go, and nobody to go with.  My roommate and I go to Wal-Mart maybe once a week, but I'm getting to the point that I'm tired of going with him everywhere.  

I want my friends.  I want people that I can hang out with and enjoy spending time with and not be judged.  And I swear, if someone else tells me that I need to get out and do things and meet people, I'm going to go crazy!  I AM getting out to different organizations and I AM meeting people, but nobody I've met is the type of person I would like to be around.  I'm just so out of my element and I don't know what to do.  I've been considering staying here for a whole year but at this point, I don't think I can handle it.  I just want to be home..... Not even home though.  I just want to be in a place where I can make new friends but also see some old friends too.  I want to be in a place where I can come home for certain events without it being a huge hassle.  I wanted to get away and see things outside of my small town, but why did that have to mean leaving the state?  

Here, right now, in this moment, is not fun for me.  I'm honestly not enjoying my time here.  I'm going to keep up the things I've been doing but the more I think about it, the more I'm struggling with handling the situation I'm in right now.  This sounds so bad and I don't want to say it. . . but I'm starting to hate this part of my life. 

Planning for it.

These past few days have been somewhat busy getting school work done, but I've also spent a lot of time thinking.

On my mind constantly is regarding my trip back in October to the small Iowa world I call home.  I'm so excited to go back, even if it's just for a short weekend!!  I've been thinking about who I'm going to go see and what I'm going to do each moment of my time back.  Of course, I think about the fact that I'll be back in November and December for a lot longer of a period, but then remember something that I tell people all of the time. . . we aren't guarenteed tomorrow.  It's not guarenteed that I'll come back for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  If God's plan affects my days, then that's his plan and I can't change that.  Not to be a pessimist, but it's the truth.

I'm just so excited to see my close friends, go to a football game and play the bass drum in the stands, and just TALK TO PEOPLE!!!!!  I miss so many people back home, and it's hard to keep them off of my mind when they tell me that they miss me or have cried because I'm so far away.  Thanks for the pain!  But honestly, I'm thinking about home constantly (if you can't tell from this blog post).  I miss my fire department and CERT group.  I miss my little podunk, out-of-the-way town.  I miss my family (some biological and some not).  I miss (some) of my teachers.

It's going to be hard having to leave Sunday night and head back here, but then I'll only have another month before coming back for a longer time.  Then two weeks after that I'll be home for almost a whole month!!  I just can't wait!!!!

Prayer time!

Dear Jesus,

        Thank you for the opportunities you've given me over the past few years and even my whole life.  You've steered me towards the direction that I feel is where you want me, and I'm so thankful for that.  I do say that I want to be home all of the time, but I know that your plan is for me to be here for the time being.  Please help my friends and family through the times they are going through and with the struggles that they are talking to you about.  You listen through the good and the bad times and for that I am thankful.  I ask that you help a good friend of mine prepare for and suceed in a big test he is going to be taking early next week.  Guide him through this process with ease and take his life and put it where you want it.

        Lord, thank you so much for everything you do.  You're simply amazing.  There really are no words to explain your gratitude and love for everyone.  You rock!!

I pray this in Jesus' name,

Amen.